Earlier this afternoon, I was sitting at my desk up on the hill, eating some chicken noodle soup. Just as I was taking that last coveted bite, my cell phone rang. The ring statled me and I spilled the soup straight down my clevage. While the warmth of the liqued wasn't so bad, I knew it wouldn't last.
It was Joy on the phone, and she had a question.
"Paula, did you feel an imbalance in the force today?"
Feeling the warmth of the soup turning cold, and congeeling in my bra (by the way, a good bra can hold some soup with leaking)Smelling the congeeling chicken soup puddled in my bra, I immediately said "yes" because while I had no idea what Joy was talking about, I knew that some shit somehwhere was out of whack. Then I asked "Why?"
"Paula", Joy said, "Dark Stain was on campus today!"
"Oh, for the love of God, NO, not Dark Stain!" I screamed in shock "Will he never go away?!"
Let me tell you about Mr. Stain. He is an outside contractor that the technical college hired to manage their Information Technology Services department. He arrived through a Blackhole, which was a consulting firm that techno-phobic companies paid through the nose for to have Blackhole staff and manage their ITS area's.
Dark Stain is actually a very handsome man, with good hair, and a beautiful smile. He likes to think of himself as a renaissance man, an intelligent man, a fair man. Unfortunately, due to the pressure's of hanging on to that multi million dollar contract Blackhole has with the technical college, poor Dark Stain is rotting on the inside, which leads to the worst halitosis I've ever smelled.
Now, it could actually be worse. The technical college could not let Blackhole outsource any of the non-managerial technical staff because the techical staff was smart and organized and were protected by the Union. That caused Dark Stain and Blackhole to loose millions of dollars on the contract, and someone was going to pay.
Needless to say, Dark Stain and all his little middle minions despised the Union, and began to spread the horrid rumors about the character and integrity of those who dwelled in the Union. Dark Stain roamed the halls up on the hill, silky and efeminate, whispering poison into the ear of any Governer that would listen.
Soon, Dark Stain had convinced many that the leader of the Union was lazy, dishonest, greedy and evil. And I'm here to tell you, it's really played well in Peoria. At the height of Dark's reign, my office had been moved to a small closet (no, seriously, it was a real closet) with no desk and 45 watt bulbs. Dark said there were not extra desks to be had, and that I should bring in a floor lamp from home.
Finally, after seven or eight years of living under the well manicured but iron hand of Dark Stain, he finally went away. He plagerized "The Last Lecture" filling in the blanks with what he felt really mattered and didn't matter, and that Unions divided us all. He then went on tour, giving his "Last Lecture" to the Board of Trustee's, the President's cabinet, and at an all department ITS staff meeting.
It was the most nauseating, hypocritical document I've ever been forced to listen to. Then, right at the part where Dark was telling us that it was "our families" that really mattered, the unthinkable happened.
MY CELL PHONE RANG!
When I saw it was one of the J's calling, and after hearing Dark Strain drone on about my screwed up priorities, I decided to finally change my ways, and dammit, I got up and left that meeting and took my child's phone call.
After Darks "Last Lecture" finally ended, the new CIO from Blackwell, Spanky Faker, came straight up to me. I felt really excited, because I thought he cared enough to ask if my kids were ok. So I smiled at him and went to shake his hand, and that's when he said,
"You have no class what-so-ever"
In shock, I replied "Is that suit going to help you be a good CIO?"
Oy vay, not a good start, but hey, Dark Stain was finally gone and the people on the hill had rejoiced. Dark Stain had felt sure that he was revered and loved by all, but the sad truth was that he was a joke with no punchline.
So, today, Dark Stain returned. Please, universe, I beg you, for the love of our technical college, make Blackhole and Dark Stain go away. Now that the Queen of Blackwell Ohio is finally off the board of trustee's of the technical college, we could mange our own stuff. Especially because no one has ever been better at technology than we are, and outsourcing your technical management isn't just wildly expensive, it's bad self-esteem.
