Saturday, January 29, 2011

Stalk Your Stalker Gone - A New Approach

Recently, at a dinner party, I met a woman who had been stalked by someone for years. She was not referring to garden variety Facebook stalking, but the kind that makes you move away.

What she conveyed was a hopeless situation that she just had to live with. Our conversation got me to thinking about how to get rid of a stalker, short of shooting them dead.

The key to getting rid of a stalker may not be to avoid them, but to stalk them right back. This solution will take some vigilance on your part, and therefore, will require a large part of your time for probably a year.

Before you poo-poo the time commitment, pro-rate it to the energy and time you will spend being stalked for a decade.

The Sane Idiot's Guide to Being a Stalker aka How to Stalk your Stalker Gone

Report your stalker to the local police. While they will do mostly nothing, you will have created a paper trail. Get the detective's business card and carry it with you at all times.

Create a hotmail account using a bogus identity. Do not give any profile information unless you make it up. Remain anonymous at all cost.

Purchase a throw away phone.

Completely fixate on your stalker. Make him your favorite hobby.

Find out where he works. Get his work phone number. Using your disposable phone, call him at work several times a day.

Through your network of friends, find someone who works at the same place. Find out whatever you can about him.

Know what kind of car he drives, the license plate number, and where he parks it. Send him pictures of his license plate.

Find out where he lives. Get his home phone number, cell phone number, and private email. Ask one of your biggest friends to hang around in front of his house occasionally.

Learn his daily routine. Take pictures of him at lunch, getting coffee, talking to others, whatever. Take lots and lots of pictures.

Know his family members. Get their email address's and phone numbers too.

Run a background check on your stalker, and learns some of his secrets.

Start emailing your stalker from your hot mail account. Attach pictures and ask him if he had fun doing whatever he was doing. Tell him you like what he wore that day, or how is his car doing and does he like where he parks it.

Start telling him what his co-workers think of him.

Contact his family members on a regular basis, tell them you're an anonymous friend who is worried about his mental state. Start calling them with your throw away phone, and emailing them from your hotmail account. Add lot's of pictures of him. Trust me, they'll start asking him about it.

Give the impression that, while he has no idea who you are, you know all about him.

Create a tag line that you always use at the end of any email you send him like "I know what you're doing" or "You're so twisted, I seem normal".

In a nutshell, mirror whatever your stalker does to stalk you.

This approach to ridding yourself of a stalker is neither endorsed or guaranteed by anyone. Put your safety (forget about his safety) first and foremost. This may seem like an aggressive solution, but after awhile, it may be the only one you haven't tried.

So there you have it.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Waters of Hamilton

Hamilton, Ohio, is about 40 minutes north from where I live. Being the urbanite that I am, I had always thought of it as "out in the country", which is anywhere beyond the Metro line. Well, I was partially right.

Hamilton is where RWC grew up, so I've only recently spent some time there. Let me tell you, there's a big city up over there. And it's way bigger than the one on "Little House on the Prairie".

Last weekend, RWC, and his mother D, took me on my first real tour of downtown Hamilton. Back before I-75 existed, it was called "Little Chicago", and it really did remind me of downtown Chicago. Beautiful architecture, monuments, the Miami river rolling by, all the components of a thriving city.

Only it wasn't thriving, more like hanging on. The story, D told me, was that back when I-75 was built, the state of Ohio offered an exit and entrance ramp to the city of Hamilton. Unfortunately, one of the city father's had a grudge of some sort and turned them down. The once thriving city lost most of it's commerce because of that decision, and never recovered.

The thing that impresses me most is the water. Hamilton has been nationally recognized for its tap water. RWC remembers a natural spring that was there when he was a kid that people would get their drinking water from.

I got to thinking about the people I know who grew up with RWC. There are absolutely no bald people. Even RWC's 75 year old father still has all of his hair. Every man or woman I've ever met from this place has a ton of thick, luxurious hair. RWC couldn't even think of anyone he knew that lost their hair. I'm absolutely convinced it's the water.

I can not tell you how impressed with this hair thing I am. Someone needs to do a study and figure out what's up with the magic water. It could revitalize the entire economy, right up under their own feet. If you're losing your hair, and are vain enough to care, and you know who you are, forget about the Rogain, just move to Hamilton, Ohio.

So there you have it.