Patrick Irresistable

Joe and Patrick at the time of the story.

We were talking on the phone a couple of nights ago, and Patrick told me a story I had never heard before. On top of that, I was actually at the party where the story takes place and had no idea any of this was going on. Damn, I hate to miss a show!

We were at a party in Clifton in our early twenties. Our friends who lived in the house were musicians and had several bands playing in the basement that night. At the time, Patrick was the guitar player in a popular local band called The Thangs, and they were one of the bands that played.

After The Thangs had finished their set, they started tearing down, and Patrick was putting his new guitar away, a woman we knew, named Velma, came up to Patrick and purrrred "can i see your new guitar, it's soooo beauuuutiful" . He said OK, and with that, Velma picked up the guitar and began to caress her face and body with it, as she rubbed the guitar neck all over her face, moaning. Our friend Jon looks at Patrick and says "You know, that's not a guitar she's rubbing her face against."

While the bands were taking a break, everybody went upstairs. Patrick went down to the basement where he had left the guitar unattended. Having made sure the guitar was where he left it, he turned around and came face to face with Velma. He had not even heard her come down the steps, let alone within six inches behind him. As Velma tried to make small talk with him, another women, named Louise, who Patrick had noticed staring at him all night, came down the steps as well.

As the women realized they were both after the same man, they eyed each other with animosity, as if both had been caught stealing something from the other. Patrick said it was so intense that both of them, for a split second, seemed to forget he was even there. He took that opportunity to slip behind their backs and run upstairs to the party, leaving them alone.

Patrick went back upstairs, and tried to get lost in the party. But everywhere he went, there they were. He said he felt like they were hunting him, he kept hiding, they kept finding him. He would chat with each one of them for a few seconds, excuse himself politely, and try to get lost in the party again. Within seconds, the other woman would appear at his side and he would do it all over again. Over and over.

Feeling exhausted from women hunting him, Patrick found himself hiding outside on the front porch step. Unfortunately, Velma had found him too, and Louise soon followed. There he was, with a women on each side, each vying to be his date for the night.

Velma reached into her pocket and gave him a piece of paper with her phone number on it and asked if he would go out with her some time. He took the scrap of paper to be polite, as Velma began to beg him to please call, "please, please call....please don't say you'll call and not....you took my number, right, that means you'll call..." as her voice cracked and she almost began to cry. Finally, Patrick promised to call, which he eventually did, because back then he actually believed that if you said you would you had to.

As Louise sat listening to this, Velma asked if the van parked in front of the house was Patricks. Then she asked for a ride home, even though she lived in walking distance. Having heard this, Louise said "can I get a ride too?" Not wanting to give either of them a ride, but not being able to say no, Patrick had a brainstorm. As he was walking to the van with our friend Joe, he whispered to Joe "I'm gonna pretend i lost my keys to the van, and then I'll ask you for a ride", thinking the girls would find a different ride.

So Patrick announces to the girls that he'd lost the van key and asks Joe for a ride home. Joe says "sure" and Patrick thinks he's been saved. In unison, the girls say "can u give me a ride home too?" And Joe say "yes" and Patrick thinks "what the fuck Joe, thanks for the help".

As they're walking to Joe's' little car, Patrick has another brilliant idea, and asks Joe to let him drive. His logic was that if he drove, Joe would sit in the front seat, because it was his car, and Velma and Louise would be forced to sit in the back.

In theory, it was a great idea. Unfortunately, Louise gets to the car first, and puts the seat down, and says "Joe get in back" and he does. Louise's logic was that if she sat in the front seat, it would force Velma to go to the drivers side to get in back with Joe. So Louise puts the seat up and hops in the front seat, leaving Velma standing on the sidewalk.

But Louise didn't close the car door fast enough. Without saying a word, Velma sits down on Louise's lap in the front seat. To really appreciate how hilarious this is, you have to keep it in mind that this was a two door Datsun compact. Every time Patrick hit the break, Velma's head would smash into the windshield. By now, both of their pride was gone and they didn't care if Joe was sitting alone in the back seat of his own car.

And so began the contest to see who would get dropped off first, assuming the one dropped off last would get to spend the nite with Patrick. It turned into a very hot debate on who would be the last woman standing.

Just when Patrick thought it was going to come to blows, Velma folded, Louise was victorious, and Velma was dropped off first. Did I mention that Velma lived within walking distance of the party? As she got off of Louise's lap, and out of the front seat of the Datsun, she cried "call me Patrick" and waved goodbye. Soon after, Louise was delivered to her place, where she also cried "call me Patrick". Ultimately, they both seemed satisfied that the other one didn't get him.

Patrick never said if Joe finally got out of the back seat of his own car and got up front. I'll have to remember to ask him.