Girls Without Fathers

My father was a brilliant man.  He loved science, the law, history, chess, and jazz.  His untimely death, at the tender age of 36, left my sister's and our mother utterly and totally on our own. My mother, now well in to her seventies, never remarried.

So convinced our family is, that had he lived, he would surely have changed the world. To this day, we still hold his death on par with that of JFK and MLK.  To this day, I still believe it.  It's how his death touched me personally that I had never really thought about.

The last time I ever saw my father was during my ninth birthday party.  He had been suffering from lung cancer for the previous several years, and on this evening, he couldn't breath.  The ambulance was called, and off he went, and that was that, and the party went strangely on. It was a slumber party, and Tam Tam was there, and the only other thing I remember from that night is the hairbrush, comb, mirror, and little string of pearls she gave me for my birthday.

The last time my father ever saw me was from a fifth floor hospital window, as my sisters and I stood in the parking lot behind the building.  I remember looking up, waving as if I could see him, pretending I could see him, when really I couldn't.  Later, I had wondered what the point had been, since I couldn't see my father.  Then I realized the point wasn't so we could see him, it was so he could see us, his three little girls, for the last time.

When he died several weeks later, I became a girl without a father.  The implications of this didn't really hit me until the last several years, almost 30 years after the event.  At some point, I just assumed that everyone lost their father somehow, and that was the way it was.

When I was getting divorced, my sister-in-law, who was also getting divorced at the time, handed me a rather large wad of cash.  My utilities had all been turned off when my ex left, since I naively allowed him to put everything in his name.  I was being starved out waiting for an agreement that would let me refinance the house, putting groceries and gas on my credit card, along with thousands of dollars in lawyer fees.  Still, I have a ton of vanity and pride, and refused the money.

Then she said "Paula, you need to take this money.  You don't realize the difference it makes to have your father behind you, and the impact it has on the outcome, because you don't have one.  If you did, like I do, he would never allow you to be treated this way.  So take this money and don't worry about paying it back."

I've been thinking about it ever since, and that she was totally right.  So, maybe it's time to write about girls without fathers, and allow myself to understand what it truly meant to me.  So there you have it.

Senate Bill 5 in Ohio, Issue 2 Seals the Deal

If Senate Bill 5, in Ohio, is not voted down, it becomes the law.


Senate Bill 5, which strips organized labor in Ohio of most of their collective bargaining rights, is up for referendum tomorrow, Tuesday, November 8. It's important that you know what this is really about.  Bargaining is not just about wages and benefits.

Nurses and teachers, for example, can negotiate patient and student numbers.  Do you want your child in a class with 50 other students and only one teacher? Do you want to be in a hospital ward with 25 beds and only one nurse?  Hey, it could happen, Ohio Governor Kasich is all about cost and control.


Senate Bill 5 was originally pushed through and made into law without a vote of the people.  A huge part of the middle class in Ohio consists of workers who belong to unions.

Now, here's what I want to say to you about this.  If you look back in history, when fascism came-a-knocking, it's always the labor unions the far right goes for first.  The reason why?


Labor Unions are the only organized body out side of government big enough to support a dissenting view.  If you have no vehicle to disagree with your government, you can not have democracy. Once you silence the labor unions, you silence all the millions of people that have no other connection in life for representation but that union.  

So, if you live in Ohio, you really need to read the below article, and make sure you vote in November.  You have no idea how much work went into just getting it on the ballot so you could exercise your constitutional rights. 

The below article, released last summer, by the Associated Press, clearly explains the intent of Senate Bill 5.

OH Voters Will Decide Fate Of Union Law July 22, 2011 By Ann Sanner, Associated Press COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Ohio voters will get to decide in November whether to repeal the state's new collective bargaining law, which would let public worker unions negotiate wages but not health care, sick time or pension benefits. The state's elections chief said Thursday that opponents had gathered enough valid signatures to put the question before voters. The measure is now suspended from taking effect until voters have their say. The law signed by GOP Gov. John Kasich in late March affects more than 350,000 public workers, including police officers, firefighters, teachers and state employees. Aside from restricting bargaining, it bans strikes and gets rid of automatic pay increases, replacing them with merit raises or performance pay. The group We Are Ohio delivered more than 1.3 million signatures to Secretary of State Jon Husted, though the opponents needed roughly 231,000 valid signatures to get the question on the ballot. He said more than 915,000 of the signatures were valid. The opponents' successful campaign proves that the legislation was "a bad bill that was passed by extreme politicians who are out of touch with hardworking Ohioans," said Melissa Fazekas, a spokeswoman for We Are Ohio. The measure was approved by the Republican-controlled state Legislature in March amid shouts and jeers from protesters in each chamber. But the overall response by protesters in the Rust Belt state, despite its long union tradition among steel and autoworkers, paled in comparison to Wisconsin, where protests topped more than 70,000 people. Ohio's largest Statehouse demonstrations on the measure drew about 8,500 people. That difference has been attributed to Madison's labor legacy and the proximity of the populous University of Wisconsin campus to the state capital. The fallout from each state's bitter fights over collective bargaining restrictions have also differed. Unlike in Wisconsin, Ohio voters cannot recall state lawmakers, so opponents are pushing for repeal through a referendum. In Wisconsin, nine state senators — six Republicans and three Democrats — face recall elections. GOP Gov. Scott Walker's collective bargaining law eventually survived a court challenge and took effect. A Quinnipiac University poll released this week found that 56 percent of Ohio voters say the new collective bargaining law should be repealed, compared with 32 percent who say it should be kept. The We Are Ohio campaign says 10,000 volunteers and some paid workers circulated petitions to get the referendum before voters. The coalition of labor groups and others contends the law is an unfair attack on workers. Kasich, a first-term governor, and his GOP colleagues argue the legislation will help city officials, school superintendents and others control their costs at a time when they, too, are feeling budget woes. Kasich has said he plans to play a visible role in defending the law. So far, he has directed his supporters to a website for Building a Better Ohio, a group that wants to keep the new law in place. Jason Mauk, a spokesman for Building a Better Ohio, said Thursday that certification of the signatures puts the focus back on the law's merits. "Ohio voters now have a choice to make," Mauk said in a statement. "We can keep the unfair, unsustainable policies that are bankrupting our communities, or we can change direction and give them the tools they need to create jobs and get spending under control." The referendum's clearance for the ballot came as the head of the AFL-CIO met in Columbus with community organizations, religious groups and representatives from the Ohio Conference of the NAACP. AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka would not say how much money the nation's largest labor federation planned to spend in the ballot effort, only that the organization planned to devote resources and people to help repeal the law. "This is a battle of over the conscious and the moral character and the direction of the country," Trumka told reporters. "And we think that the people in Ohio and the people in America think that people like Gov. Kasich is going in the wrong direction — that he overreached, that he used a tough budget time to try to scapegoat public employees and try to destroy a ladder into the middle class." Kasich spokesman Rob Nichols said the law was about restoring fairness and balance between the private and public sector employees. "Mr. Trumpka does have to live in one of Ohio's cities or towns that are hanging on by their fingers, struggling with high costs," Nichols said. The state's labor groups have turned to their members to help pay for the repeal campaign. Ohio's largest teachers union in May agreed to a one-time, $54 dues increase. The move by the members of the Ohio Education Association was expected to yield an additional $5.5 million. The Fraternal Order of Police also anticipated raising $1 million from their roughly 200 local lodges around the state. And the Ohio Association of Professional Firefighters asked its 9,600 members to voluntarily kick in $100 for the repeal effort.

Come As You Are

For a short time, when I was 3 years old, my family lived in Kansas City.  I think it was Missouri, but it may have been Kansas. It's all a vague impression

Anyway, something happened there that continues to haunt me my entire life.  Haunt is the perfect word, because this is, if indirectly,  a Halloween story. No, this is not a ghost story, it's a genesis of my neurosis story.

To this day, I can't dress up for Halloween.

Like, the anxiety of having to wear a costume is enough to make me turn off all the lights in my house and pretend I'm not home.  It's so bad, I've been known to not show up to parties where such things are required.

So, here's what happened in Kansas City, Missouransas.  There was a costume party at our synagogue, in addition to the regular Friday night service.    It wasn't a Halloween party, it was a Purim party.

Now, with out getting into too much detail, Purim is a Jewish holiday...ugh, hang on, let me google this so I get it right and don't spread ignorance throughout the Internet....

...OK, I'm back, and I quote, copy and paste:  "Purim is one of the most joyous and fun holidays on the Jewish calendar. It commemorates a time when the Jewish people living in Persia were saved from extermination."


This makes me giggle because Judaism has so many holidays connected to extermination.  It's all hugely depressing.  I know, I'm not right, but let's remember, it's not racist till you say it.


To celebrate Purim, you're supposed to go to the party dressed as your favorite character in the bible.  My parents, as far as I can remember, dressed my two sisters, and I, all as Queen Esther, who was a major player in the whole saving of the people.  I can still see our little shiny satin dresses, each emblazoned on the front with a gigantic sequin Hebrew peace sign.


We were running late, and it was total chaos.  We had made crowns out of construction paper, and on the way to the synagogue, somebodies crown blew right out of the car window.  My father had to pull over, chase the blowing crown in traffic, to return it safely to its owner, who by now was in a full blown tantrum.  My sister, that is, not my father.


After much ado, we finally made it, late as always. Nothing like making an entrance in full Queen Esther regalia times three.  What happened next, is seared in my memory.  


We were late and all eye's turned to us as we walked in the door.  And then, we realized it.  It was the wrong night.  We were the only people in costumes.  


To this day I can remember my horror, and to this day, the same mortification brain chemicals kick in at the mere thought of dressing up.  This year, I might wear my pajama's to work, but that's really more of a statement than a costume. 


So there you have it.

Bad Poetry

when it's late at night
I think that I can smell you
sleeping sweetly in the bed beside me

when my mind is free
I think of the times you made me laugh
and stole my breath away

when I pulled myself together,
I thought I'd go unnoticed
until you kicked me in my funny bone

when the sun first came up,
it burnt the tips of my ears
I thought I heard you say my name
as if you longed to be forgiven,

when I dream, I dream of you
I know, even then, that it is just a mirage
smack in the middle of a really big puddle

A House Divided Serves No One

Due to a "no strike, no lockout" clause in my labor contract, I was forced to cross a picket line to get to work for the first time in my life.  I wish I had the personal, vacation, or sick days to use and just avoid the whole thing, but I don't.

So this week, there will be no sideline show, no arm chair quarter backing, no not getting involved.  In Ohio, in academia, it's time to face the music and take a stand.

For the last twenty years, I have had the privilege of working up on the hill, where I get to witness the magic of people changing their lives every day.  Transformation is our business up on the hill, and the city of Cincinnati is our muse.

Suddenly, all of this has changed.  Election time is coming in November, and the rest of Ohio has found our secret wonderland up on the hill. We are not used to outsiders, and their manipulation, and we're caught off guard, like deer in headlights.  Who are these strangers in our house?

The repeal of Senate Bill 5 is on the ballot this November.  Our family is lead by grown-ups who are appointed by the Governor, who at this time is Kasich.  This has never been a problem until Kasich, because he is vehemently anti-labor.  On the hill, we are a micro-Cosm of democracy, and therefore have governing bodies, including organized labor.

Now, before we get off on a debate regarding organized labor, let me just say this.  Organized labor is the only body out side of government large enough to take an opposing stand.  Democracy can not exist with out an opposing stand, good, bad, or indifferent.  Period.

I love the great lady on the hill.  She watches over a troubled city as if it were her baby.  God bless Cincinnati State, and keep her, because without her, Cincinnati is in a lot of trouble.  Every person in this city, by virtue of living in Cincinnati, is affected by her success.

This November, drive out the politico's that aim to use our city for their own gain.  Vote NO on ISSUE 2 to repeal SENATE BILL 5 in Ohio.  Vote no to Governor Kasich.

10-10-10: Binary Code and a Nice Day As Well

I was going through my drafts, which is collection of crap I write and never get around to publishing, and came upon this little ditty.  Mostly, I wrote it in honor of the date, which makes it ironic to forget to publish it for a year.
October 10, 2010

Today, 10-10-10, which equals 42 in binary code, was what I consider to be a really great day.

First, I finally gave away my wedding dress. My friend Karla is an amazing seamstress and she loves used wedding gowns. She's waited almost six years for me to break my stone-cold, emotional grip on it.

What made me finally give it up was that another friend had a yard sale today. She was reluctant to let go of a few items, and I said "Look at it this way, you have to clear it out to get more". It inspired me to take my own advice and pass the wedding dress on to someone who would give it a new life.

Later this afternoon, RWC and I went to the local antique mall. While we were there, an old woman came up to us and asked if we had found her shopping bag. Inside the shopping bag was her purse, which she thought she had left sitting on a bench. I looked at RWC and asked "Do you mind if we look? This is just the kind of thing that charges my engine." RWC, who is always game for a psychic adventure, pointed the way towards the end of the aisle.

By now, the entire store was searching for the missing shopping bag. RWC and I get to the end of our aisle, and RWC starts to go right, and I say we should go left because it's somewhere at the end of these aisles. We go about 4 feet and RWC points to a stall on the left and says "There it is!" It was just so wonderful to hand it back to the woman, who was probably in her late seventies.

Then, this evening I talked to my friend Kevin, who is the only person I know that owns the same 20 year old car as I do. I've been having trouble with my tires, including a bent rim that needed to be replaced, and was looking at a good chunk of change that I didn't have. When I had left work on Friday, my back tire, not even the one with the bent rim, was totally flat.

RWC fixed it for me, but suddenly, I knew I had to get the tires fixed. With my budget, this has been sta-resssssing the hell out of me.  Turns out, Kevin has two extra tires, with rims, that he'll give me for free. Hey, that totally fits my budget.

In the end, it all came out even.  And so goes the universe...so there you have it.

September 11th in America, Circa 1984

"He who gives up freedom for safety deserves neither". 

Much has changed in the last ten years, and it certainly isn't 2001 anymore.  Have you noticed the changes?  No, silly, not just in the airport screening lines.  I'm talking bigger, even more insidious changes.


You let that fear all up in your head and now it's living there rent free.  Never let anyone or anything live in your head rent free. 


Let's talk about your civil rights. These are the laws that this country based itself on.  You know, the home of the free and what not.


First, you have to understand the Patriot Act.  The Patriot Act was an act of Congress signed into law by George Bush after the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001.  It was recently extended  by President Obama for another four years.


The act totally and dramatically reduced restrictions on law enforcement agencies' ability to search telephone, e-mail communications, medical, financial, and other records.  Yes, that's right, it's all about our privacy. Apparently, we are our own worst enemies.


The Patriot Act also expanded the Secretary of the Treasury’s authority to regulate financial transactions.  The experts say this is mostly those threats involving foreign individuals and entities. Puh-lease. I think it's probably more for economic control in general.

The act also expanded the definition of terrorism to include domestic terrorism, thus enlarging the number of activities to which the USA PATRIOT Act’s expanded law enforcement powers can be applied.

It also broadened the discretion of law enforcement and immigration authorities in detaining and deporting immigrants suspected of terrorism-related acts. That cracks me up, I thought we were trying to keep "them" all out, not detain them.  Are you still following this?

Seriously, look at the components.  You're giving up access to your medical records just so you can feel safe.  Hello?  You're allowing people to listen to your private conversations because the enemy may be amongst us.  Trust me on this, anytime you react out of fear, no good follows.

You know, now that I'm thinking about it, the Patriot Act is very much like the Marriage Agreement.  Did I mention I once got married on September 11th?

Anybitter-is-me, the Patriot Act is bad for all of us.  No matter how terrified you are of the unknown entity, taking back your civil rights will be a million times worse. Why?  Because that is the stuff that revolutions are made of, and that's how we got here in the first place.  Do we really need to do that again?  Revolutions are a lot of work and that shit is the scariest.

New York City remains the greatest city on the face of the earth.  You can bomb our buildings, but you can't bomb our spirit.  Unless it's our own governing body, then all bets are off.  So there you have it.  

rk.

Voyage of the Damned

Somewhere along the digital way, I stumbled on this picture of the members of the U.S. Figure Skating Team.  For some reason, it stopped me in my tracks, and it has haunted me ever since, mostly because, just like them, I didn't see what was coming next.
The date was February 14, 1961.  They were on their way to the World Figure Skating Championships in Prague. Look at their faces, every one of them full of hope.


Everyone is wearing their best clothes, except for the guy on the bottom step.  He's standing front and center, collar proudly open.  He is a maverick, both in sport and spirit. With that kind of confidence, he's at least three decades ahead of his time.


Look closer.  Notice the tall beauty holding the sign, and the man standing next to her.  He must be the coach, his face full of concern and angst.  The fairy dust long wore off that one.  


Further up the steps, we have the group comic who keeps the mood light.  That's him hiding behind the black rimmed glasses, with his hand extended in a Shakespearian gesture.  He is the original Drew Carey.  That hand seems as displaced as he secretly feels.


Over on the right, at the bottom of the steps, are what I originally thought of as the "love birds", but lately wonder if they weren't brother and sister.  She leans into him to remind herself that she is not alone.  He smiles, wondering if she can feel him shaking with fear and uncertainty.


Then there's the boy who tried to hide.  See there, on the left, between the beauty queen holding the sign and the girl on her right?  Just a half of a face, peaking over, as if he were an  uninvited guest.  His lost expression leads me directly to the girl with the corsage and curly hair standing directly above him.  Their aura's seem connected and I wonder if they sat together during the flight.  


So much emotion.  So very haunting.  Did they know what destiny beckoned?


The picture was taken at Idlewild International Airport in New York, before boarding a Sabena jet to Brussels.  The plane crashed on February 15,  near the airport at Brussels, killing all onboard.  So there you have it.

A Ride on the Metro with My Green Eyed Poet

Bus Route 29
by O'Connor Quaino


I
Yackers at the back - of the bus
A.M. people on the bean of choice
Cutting is the voice most imposed 
A colloquy, soliloquy, the hush
To rush and close
As each rank and file is deposed.
A clique a klatch of speech
This is a movable feast
And Who rides past their stop
To remain the weasel and not the pop?

II
Nook lookers quiet
As a mouse,
Their hobbies are secreted and mundane
Not so pedestrian their choise
To eschew the noise
Their overriding poise ever maintained.

III
Some are cheerful; some are glum
But no dead-beats on this run
Coifs are set 
and hair is wet
Boots and laces
Done up for the day
Social graces
All but zipped away.

IV
In his turn, the driver—
Never more than stern--
Takes a jam or hops a curb in stride--
Our roles are set as distance met
And, oh, no transfers honored on this ride.

Brandon and the Japanese Tsunami

hey brendan, what u doing?

nuttin, working on getting this Oct 7th kry kids show set up, and sending invites

how's it going?

i just got one!

GREAT!

i want to chat u up, but want to wait till you have time

about ur japan trip

oh right

how were you thinking of doing it, like facebook chat, or..?

yeah, i just want to ask u a few questions

what month did all this happen?

MARCH

3.11.11

what airport did u fly into?

Tokyo Narita airport

did the earthquake strike while you were in the air?

apparently the BIG one did, i think.. but we felt one right AFTER landing; aftershock i guess

so it was literally happening during our approach, and taxiing on runway

i'm still uncertain when the REAL big one was, but we thought we were getting off the plane until literally RIGHT as we were taking off our seatbelts; that's when the captain came on the speaker and ordered us to stay in our seats!

was ur brother supposed to meet you at the airport?

No, i was supposed to travel to downtown Tokyo by train after getting off the plane

where u stranded at the airport?

yes, for over 24 hours

once you left the airport, where did you go?

BANGKOK!!!!!!!!

how did u get there?

tell me when you're tired

a Delta flight out of Narita

okay

we can do this in installments

when u got to bangkok, did you have to go through customs again

um.. i think so

god, it's hard to remember!

once in bangkok, where did u stay?

someday u'll be glad i wrote this, for your grandkids!

ahh! yes i suppose

um, we stayed at my brother's girlfriend's house, which is in north Bangkok

it just so happened that my bro was/is dating a thai girl!

wow

how did u finally find ur brother?

well, since i couldn't leave Narita by train, i had to wait for him to come to ME

were you able to call him on your cell phone?

being a native of Tokyo for the past 10 years, he was able to navigate his way there, tho it took some time; i think he took like three local trains

Tokyo-Narita Express train was inoperable, which is the standard way to make that trip

no, no cell service

wow, so some trains were running

i actually spoke w/ my parents back home in Cinci via a long-distance landline call BEFORE i talked to my bro; i didn't hear his voice until the next morning

yeah, i guess SOME trains were...

did u just have to have faith that he would find you?

well, we relayed msg's via my parents; he told THEM to tell ME to stay at Narita, and by God he would get there!!! And he did

there was a cyber-terminal at Narita too, so we did a little facebookin' once i got on there

Facebook was a VERY VALUABLE tool in all of this, by the way, although the good old-fashioned pay phone is still indispensible

all the more reason to be annoyed that they're becoming more scarce; people figure cell phones will always be there for them but they sometimes won't

so really, that 24 hours, plus the time landing, which must have been intense, was the real crisis?

yes, exactly... once we got to Bangkok we were home-free, and had an awesome thai paradise vacation with two lovely ladies! but the shadow of the japan disaster hung over us, and was kind of eerie

i mean, i was able to forget and still have fun, but we kept checking the news and my bro would occasionally get calls on his iphone like from his boss or friends back in japan

did you bond with a stranger in the 24 hours

we got to see it thru the thai eyes; they were already planning benefits for japan and such!

well, thai's know about tsunami

um, i did, yes... a few passing strangers. like the japanese/american boarding school student in the plane seat next to me who was on spring break, or this japanese family camped out on the airport floor next to me that night

Whew! my carpal tunnel is flairing up; shall we break until next time?

9:14pm

yes, i know exactly where we left off

good job

THANKS!

talking to u soon

xxxooo

ok cool