Intuition, Sympathy Addiction, and Defining Moments

The other day, Dahmi and I got to talking about her summer vacation.  The conversation took some interesting turns.


"I called my sister in law on the phone," Dahmi tells me, "two days before I went to South Carolina to visit her and my brother and told her that I was worried about the kids and the pool.  I wanted assurance that they couldn't get outside in the early morning hours or at night and drown.  I was obsessed with something happening to one of the kids.  When I got down there, I got up three or four time a night to make sure they were okay."

"Billy and Autumn were also going to visit my brother and family,  so...I was obsessed with something happening to one of them.The very day that I got there, Billy fell out of the tree house while I was washing dishes, looking out at the pool from the kitchen window.  

Leah was no where around, per usual.  Bryan, Jim's son, scooped Billy up from the ground and I ran over to him.  Bryan put Billy in my arms. When I had him in my arms, he went limp, turned gray and his eyes rolled back.

I thought I was losing another grandson.

I yelled for them to call 911 and put Billy on the porch in a flat position, keeping his head and back from moving.  He was crying that his back hurt. Thank god he was with me at that time.  Leah comes walking out and in an irritated voice says…"what the hell is going on?".  The ambulance arrives, they strap him to a board with collar on and take him to emergency to get xrays and scans.


Thank God he's fine.  But the whole thing triggered something in me that's been hiding since we lost our Little Man.

After they left I completely fell apart. I have never fallen apart like that in my life.  I couldn't even hold myself up."

I ask Dahmi, "What was it like?  I mean, completely falling apart.  Was it cathartic at all?"

"Not a comfortable thing I can tell you that.", Dahmi answers,   "No.  It made me feel like a freak, but like a human freak for once.  know what I mean?"

"I always have to be the strong one, and true to form, Jim," who is Dahmi's life partner, " did not let me fall apart.  What I mean is...my legs weren't supporting my weight anymore, I was shaking and some weird noise was coming out of my mouth and I felt like I was going to pass out, and then Jim says  "Get it together..Autumn needs you", and I pulled it together."

"You know,  Leah has treated me like shit ever since.  She seemed more into getting sympathy from the whole thing."  she finishes.

"Yeah, that shit can get addictive." I tell Dahmi.

"Sympathy?" Dahmi asks.

"Hell yeah, I realized it when I had cancer." I say

"Really?" Dahmi asks me incredulously, almost shocked. 

"Absolutely."

"That's interesting." Dahmi says reflecting on what I just told her.

"Yup." I tell her.  "I always felt invisible, and when I was sick, everybody was sooooo nice to me.  On the other hand, it was miserable and totally not worth it but I still thought about it."

Dahmi looks at me and says "Yeah, it's nice for people to care, but then you have this label.  Like, I'm the grandma who lost her grandson.  You're the lady who had cancer."

"Yes, I know"

"I think I would rather be invisible." Dahmi says

"And," I add, "if you knew me earlier, I was also the little girl with the dead father and crazy mother."

"Sure...and I was the girl who got pregnant at 17." 

"Exactly!", I proclaim, "Everybody has defining moments."

"I'd say...some not so great." 

"Well, what would be the fun in that?" I ask Dahmi,  "We'd all be stagnant."

"Oh yeah!" Dahmi remembers, "My point to the story was that I knew something was wrong but I was so off base. I focused on that pool."

"Well, you were still right there with your radar on.  It made a huge difference." I tell her

"Well, I didn't stop it from happening. And guess what?  One of the puppies drowned in the pool in the early morning hours.  It was the puppy that my mom wanted me to bring home." Dahmi replies

"WOW, that's crazy!", I say "It distracted you, the puppy threw off your magnificent radar."

"I guess so...probably because the puppy was wrapped up in my Mom's emotions.  I brought a different puppy home for her.  I didn't tell her that hers drowned." she says, "I just couldn't.  Needless to say, it was a pretty stressful vacation."

Dahmi and the Magic of Autumn

Dahmi is a very old soul.  We met over 25 years ago, both of us the first of the female technicians in a predominantly male industry.  We bonded instantly.

Dahmi is much younger than I am by a good 10 years.  She was living the life I should have been, being a mother, holding a steady job, being at home at night.  Meanwhile, in my twenties, I was foot loose and fancy free, no intention to marry, no intention to have children.


The first day we met, Dahmi and I started a conversation that has continued through the years.  Mostly, we try to figure out how best to make sense of some of the unusual abilities we both seem to have.


Dahmi is now in her late thirties, her daughter Leah, now in her early twenties.  Leah has three children, Autumn, Billy, and baby Little Man, and they are Dahmi's grandchildren.


Several months ago, a terrible, terrible, thing happened to the whole family.  Little Man, who was several months old, and in perfect health, went to sleep on night and just forgot to wake up.  Everyone was so devastated, and will always be.  With my never ending obsession with death, Dahmi and I have been chatting about it lately.  


"A few weeks ago" Dahmi is telling me, "Autumn pulled my blue leather Bible off the bookshelf and asked to borrow it.  Apparently she has been going to bed with it each night."

Autumn will be 5 years old  in July.

"She has told me a few different things about the reason she has this bible.  Last night she was reading it in her bed.  When I went to tuck in Billy and Autumn in, I bent down to kiss Billy a kiss on the lower bunk.

Then Autumn says,  from her upper bunk "Don't forget about me."

"Of course not kid." I say.

So, I walk up to her and I say,  "Are you reading the Bible?"  

Autumn says, "I will give it back to you when I finish each page. Tonight I only read one page."

While she is talking, she is smoothing the pages in the Bible.  She is flipping through the pages showing me each page that she has already read.  I ask her why she is reading the Bible

She tells me,  "Dahmi,  I am trying to find out what happened to our Little Man."

So I ask her,  "Do you think you will find that in there?"

And Autumn replies,  "Yes, I do.  I already did once, and she flips to a page and says..I think it was about here."

So I ask her, "Do you know what that book is?"

Autumn says,  "Yes I do."

And I reply with, "You know it's the word of the lord?",  and she says, "Yes, I know"

Then Autumn says,   "Dahmi...I really hope that my great grandma is taking good care of our Little Man."


So the conversation went on a bit but that was the gist of it. "


Dahmi continues, "This was the second time that she told me that she was trying to find out what happened to our Little Man.  At first I thought she meant..how did he die but that is not what she means.  She is trying to find out where he is and where did he go."

"So what did have you told her?" I ask.

"Well, Paula, actually I haven't .  I just realized today that she is trying to figure that out." Dahmi answers.

"Tell her about how water turns to mist, it's still there, Little Man is still here, he's just around us."  I say, having thought about this very conversation with my own children so many times.

"She sees spirits Paula..or at least she used to...." Dahmi says. 

"I would beleive that of any grandchild of yours." I say in all seriousness,  because Dahmi has always been off the grid psychic.

"Autumn used to tell me about a guy who would stand in her room.   She said he was dead and he wore a chef's hat. She didn't like him much, and  I told her to tell him to go away."

"The interesting thing is that a mentally challenged guy used to live downstairs." Dahmi goes on, "he was murdered in Rapid Run park.  I tried to find out information on him but it's sketchy. He lived with his sister, and would walk around the neighborhood with a transistor radio to his ear."

"Rapid run is full of ghosts, all the old Jewish cemeteries are there." I add.

"I know, all along the hillside." Dahmi says.

"I actually know quite a few of them." I laugh.    

"Okay..so what do you make of Autumn  and her bible?  Kinda odd, isn't it?  Almost creepy, but I think it is more helpful than harmful.  i think it may be giving her some sort of comfort."

"I think it's beautiful" I say, thinking of how far beyond her years Autumn is.  

"It seems to suggest an awareness or maturity way beyond her years." Dahmi says so earnestly, at the very same moment I'm thinking it.


It makes me laugh, and I say, "I don't know, Dahmi,  do ya think?"


Then we're both laughing and saying goodbye, always knowing we'll be chatting again soon.